20-03-23 Drawing the grass path in the storm while zooming with sisters. Water crayon on paper. 12 x 16 inches
Breakthrough. Lashing cold wind, rain, snow. Raw. Dark. Fitting the time of Corona. Extra scary today. Future so unknown. View here as lovely as ever. Challenging conversation. Parallels. Got to stay connected with nature & natural impulses. Keep trying. Thinking. Deep thick fog on the sound. Foggy outlook. Helped me make better choices. Not slavish or cheap. Doing my best.
Note about my journal Entries:
I try to write notes, without composition or filters, immediately after I call a stop or run out of light so that the notes are just as raw as the freehand ink drawing. No do overs.
20-04-03 Trees near the cider mill. Pen on paper. 12 x 16 inches
Feeling a tad lonely today. Also put away my skis. Sad. No Tuckerman’s or Wildcat Trail this year with Drifters friends. Went out to paint the sky and the marsh but found this group of trees. Immediately drawn to them though I’d never really taken note before and have painted in that spot often. Partway into the drawing it dawned on me that I was observing the interconnectedness of living things. Made me smile - lifted the melancholy of the day. Then I shopped, washed groceries in bleach &the kids and I zoomed. All was well.
Post Script. In this case I had to run to the grocery before it closed and then get on a family zoom with the kids, in which I was encouraged to crack open a stout. We had a frolicsome visit. I then wrote the below notes and you’ll notice that I it was still very freehand – so much so that when I was done writing I noticed how off kilter I had gone. Good. I thought. It is the right angle. After I wrote the “all is well” line I paused and wondered if I could fit in a qualifier because of course all is not well. So really NOT WELL. I meant for that moment, in my tiny little space of this planet, with my children healthy and happy, it all felt almost normal and my own melancholy was lifted and I stopped the constant engagement with the almost overwhelming issues of the day and the suffering of so many, the beating on my self to find a lever. But there was no room to write in all of that!! That’s the unfiltered, uncomposed, no planning-ahead downside. So instead I put in two lines of dots that helped me feel better about the kilter of the page. I liked the angle of it but liked it better with the dots. 😊
20-04-04 Granite outcrop I've been meaning to explore but not paint. Oil on panel. 12 x 18 inches
Writing from memory now. First oil of the season up here. Corona Saturday. Lonely context. Needed to make the most of it or I’d feel worse. Marginal energy but rose to the moment. Knew there was a payoff for just hanging in there. Went to a spot I’ve been thinking about since I got here. But the water vista (safe place) was just not going to work. Turned around and faced this wall of granite. Impossible. But why not. I took it on. Knew it was going to be a mess. That freed me to keep at it. Derek and Eloise happened to drive by and saw me. I waved them in and they parked and hiked over. That was such a joy. We kept our 10 foot distance – no face masks. But I was happy to talk with 12 year old Eloise about painting rocks and whether or not to try to paint in trees even with the light almost gone. Her grandmother was a painter who died tragically young of a brain aneurism. I feel like I’m kind of a stand in. And she and her Dad are neighbors/family to me – especially important as I am now disconnected from my own. Missing the contact. Particularly missing my kids. I know they are safe but I’d know it better if I could put my arms around them. I find myself occasionally quite emotional these days. Conquering (in a sense) that granite – at least wrestling honorably with it, gave me strength and stabilized my emotions. That granite has been there for how long? Did they know dinosaurs? I think so. Only
20-04-18 Self portrait attempt. Pencil on paper. 9 x 12”
Corona is increasingly revealing who we are. It is helping me reveal who I am. Exploration, investigation, examination and eventually, the uncovering of truth whether scientific or emotional. I think the US is moving toward naked. I am getting there too. Naked honesty always an underlying goal though I sometimes forget that and get distracted. It is the best place to start when making big decisions, any decisions!
I never did a self portrait that met the mark though I did use myself as a model since I discovered my love for drawing as a little girl. Haven’t done portrait work in almost 30 years. Today I ran out of time. Was actually working on posting my corona journal. Then zooming with Drifters. Cleaning house and cycling. Busy Saturday. So at bedtime I decided this was my artful challenge of the day. I jumped in. Started with loose pen and ink gesture drawings. Wasn’t getting off that easy. No two minute adequate solution. Struggling. Gradually morphed to charcoal then graphite. Sitting on my bed using my bedside lamp and a propped up mirror. Very sub optimal. No natural light when you let other things get in the way all day. Still, really enjoyed it – filled me with childhood sensations. I am not embarrassed by this piece. It was brave and it was a start. I don’t know if I’ll ever be back in the world portraiture in which I did some of my best work. Few things more satisfying or more nearly impossible for me to meet my own expectations.. But as with other things I have tried lately, it is stretching my brains in ways that thrill and hurt but also reveal capabilities and new perspectives. I am testing and thinking about what I want to keep from my life, what I discard and what I create new going forward. It is what I hope we do as a society.
About this drawing. I vaguely recognize this person. So not successful as a portrait. Slightly less of a failure as a drawing. But it reminded me so much of Mom and the pastel portrait of her that used to hang in the dining room. Where is that piece!!! Must never have been unpacked from my studio boxes. A new item for my to-do list. Also I had never looked quite so honestly at the sagging jowls. I know they are there. The light was soft on my eyes. They are more tired than that. John Singer Sargent said, “A portrait is a painting of someone with something wrong with the mouth.” So true. So apt.
20-04-09 Storm clearing out over the salt marsh hay fields. Oil on Panel 9 x 12 inches
Really was desperate to get out the oils. Listened to myself from yesterday’s notes. Just went out into the backyard and looked up. I knew the light was going to be high drama. Storm clearing through. High winds. So cold. Crazy clouds. I rarely take them on for many reasons but intimidation is on the list. I got over it and just put my best into it without judgement. Lots of exchanges with friends today. Head swimming. Emotional. We are all connecting more. It’s wonderful but also exacerbates my focus issue. Happily it was a small breakthrough day on a couple business projects. Bit of progress. Bit of joy. Lots of connection. I was feeling stronger. Yesterday I wasn’t. My emotional state dramatically impacts my psychic energy, which is the well I draw on to go after something as impossible as clouds. This is supposed to be the beginning of the peak of Corona deaths. I am still healthy. Carpe diem.
Mud puddle tractor tracks. Oil on Panel. 12 x 18 inches
1/1 Made a mess. Tried something totally new with my oils and it was a useful experiment. Not a keeper except that I feel I have to keep at least one effort from each day, so I have something to attach my notes to. This was my only effort so it’s the one. Maybe this should go on even after the lockdown. A good new habit. Very time consuming. Very rewarding. Today I was painting over an old beginner’s dud panel. Down to the dregs. Need to make new panels. But it releases me somewhat from the obligation to make great use of a whole fresh panel. Recycling frees the spirit! In addition to the benefits of freewheeling experimentation, today’s adventure revealed a wonderful new painting spot for a cold/windy day. Went across the street to check out the young cows that were gathering near the road. Took my paints just in case and went through the little barn door on the west to discover the big doors were wide open facing East. Hurriedly set up my easel. I was interested in the mud puddle tractor tracks that cut through the bright spring grass. Will go back. In a moment, the curious little ones were right there with me, helping set up. They came down from the hill. Violating social distance rules! Literally tried to lick the easel. We talked over the health risks and they eventually were bored and went away. The scene was so bucolic. So at odds with the big reality. But then again, while I was painting I was reading (Audible) The Splendid and the Vile. Larson was giving colorful examples of the way life, and the dance, carried on in London during the bombing. And in the big country houses and the fields. There were cows. News today is mostly of the battle between Trump and the Governors. Absolute madness. As is his threat to fire Fauci. We have fallen even farther down an even crazier rabbit hole!! The Jabberwoky is my poem of the moment. Thank you Lewis Carrol. As I struggled with the muddy pallet knife mess on the panel which was poorly translating the muddy beauty of the scene before me, I was also thinking about the difference between the kind of suffering, bloodshed, loss of life, economic disruption, of WWII vs this crisis. Couldn’t find a resting place. Different scale. I hope.
Back to the mud puddle tractor tracks and the cows looking out from inside the barn. Water crayons on paper. 12 x 16 inches
1/1 Made a mess. Tried something totally new with my oils and it was a useful experiment. Not a keeper except that I feel I have to keep at least one effort from each day, so I have something to attach my notes to. This was my only effort so it’s the one. Maybe this should go on even after the lockdown. A good new habit. Very time consuming. Very rewarding. Today I was painting over an old beginner’s dud panel. Down to the dregs. Need to make new panels. But it releases me somewhat from the obligation to make great use of a whole fresh panel. Recycling frees the spirit! In addition to the benefits of freewheeling experimentation, today’s adventure revealed a wonderful new painting spot for a cold/windy day. Went across the street to check out the young cows that were gathering near the road. Took my paints just in case and went through the little barn door on the west to discover the big doors were wide open facing East. Hurriedly set up my easel. I was interested in the mud puddle tractor tracks that cut through the bright spring grass. Will go back. In a moment, the curious little ones were right there with me, helping set up. They came down from the hill. Violating social distance rules! Literally tried to lick the easel. We talked over the health risks and they eventually were bored and went away. The scene was so bucolic. So at odds with the big reality. But then again, while I was painting I was reading (Audible) The Splendid and the Vile. Larson was giving colorful examples of the way life, and the dance, carried on in London during the bombing. And in the big country houses and the fields. There were cows. News today is mostly of the battle between Trump and the Governors. Absolute madness. As is his threat to fire Fauci. We have fallen even farther down an even crazier rabbit hole!! The Jabberwoky is my poem of the moment. Thank you Lewis Carroll. As I struggled with the muddy pallet knife mess on the panel which was poorly translating the muddy beauty of the scene before me, I was also thinking about the difference between the kind of suffering, bloodshed, loss of life, economic disruption, of WWII vs this crisis. Couldn’t find a resting place. Different scale. I hope.
20/04/13 Road at the end of Shell Beach. Day of the big storm. Monochrome water crayon on paper. 12 x 16 inches 2 of 2.
Crazy big storm today. 50 mph winds. One million already locked down people (mostly) without power. I worked from the desk in the yellow room looking down to the grass path to Shell Beach. Dying to get out there. But I hung tough and was super productive churning through my spreadsheet of tasks. We could have seen surfing the rollers coming in thanks to the South wind. So unusual. Ran down at 4:30, high time, in the car with my water colors. Made the mistake of admitting out loud to friends that I was going down there to channel Turner. Tried to be loose and catch the power of the waves and the richness of the gray sky and angry sea! Just came out with a cheap mess. Then set aside the colors to draw the quiet scene on the side which is there every single day. Enjoyed that enormously while on a zoom call with Susanna, Karen and Sara. No crashing waves. No drama but still a small adventure. I hadn’t yet tried a monochrome with my water pencils. Then raced back for family zoom Birthday Party with Mike which was fun and sweet. It’s awful to admit that Corona has some spin-off benefits. Other than two graduations and a wedding, Ayis and I haven’t been in the same room in 20 years. And I am on some drawing jag that I can’t, and don’t want, to turn off. We are all mostly, adapting well. Very human of us. The news today was of the beginning of planning for post Corona. NE governors to coordinate. And it occurs to me, literally at this moment, that I bombed on the Turner channeling and chose instead to settle in to a simple drawing of a pathway. Pathway forward? Unbearably trite. But an innocent and uncalculated response to my intuition. I know I should think less & trust myself more.