20-08-19 Back to the Crabbing Hole Oil on Panel

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Corona Journal Entry It was beginning to take too long and I wasn’t bouncing back. Then a break in the clouds and a couple good days in a row. My parole officer let me out. Once I was working I forgot the head stuff and lost myself in the doing. Perhaps it was the sight of a snowy egret, a great egret and a great blue heron all sharing a small triangle of low-tide marsh mud across the causeway that emptied my brain even before I got going. They paused long enough for me to appreciate the gathering and then dispersed. I forgot I hadn’t been able to bar the thought of bringing home some kind of prize. Forgot that I had wrestled myself back to knowing that any effort at all would be a win. Forgot that I was lucky to be upright with a brain. Forgot the fear that I might not have painting energy ever again. Forgot that I was soberly reminded of how quickly a thing I take for granted can vanish. Forgot about whether I was pushing myself too hard too soon and that it might be a major milestone or another setback. And even forgot how joyful it is because I was busy observing, translating, thinking, problem solving and being astonished, one again, at what happens out there. I was intensely focused on trying to do something with it. § I am confused by what is happening in the world and especially here in the US. The planet has certainly had crazier, uglier, dumber, meaner, scarier, harder, more destructive, more greedy, less compassionate, more incomprehensible crises. Many! This is nothing. But I haven’t been there during the others. [Entering this on the 20th referencing notes I sent the kids last night. Was too tired to write.]